I'm tired. Or maybe I'm just worn out and I can't go on any longer. The holidays are coming up and I can't even deal with it. I have to think in advance for Christmas gifts for the kids. And not just from me, but I get phone calls from the grandparents. "What does Timmy like? What does Sarah want? Would they like this? Or would they like that?" Because the grandparents shop all year long, I get calls all the time. Then, there is the holiday dinners. Those I don't mind, but again, I have to think about food way before it is time. I think what I realize is that I am a, not so much last minute person, but a person who needs to think about these things when it is the right time. Two months or even throughout the year is to soon for me.

My husband comes home from work and I am wiped out from working and dealing with the children and cleaning up, that when he wants me to do some work for him that I just stare at him with this blank look on my face. So yes, I am worn out. I think it is time for me to be re-cycled, maybe I can come back as a younger, stronger me. Or just come back!

Time Flew By

Where has the time gone? Has it really been that long since I last wrote. I've been busy with the start of school, getting schedules together and trying to figure out what to do with all this "spare time". HA! What I really mean is that I can finally get back to my schedule and try to cram everything into the 6 hours that I have free until it is time to pick up the kids. Funny thing is that it never works. It always runs into the kids time.

Working at home is not easy, but it is better than working in an office. I mean on one hand, even though you are at home and the kids are screaming, or fighting and you are trying to get work done, you are there with them. On the other hand, working in the office you don't get distracted with what needs washing, or what letters you can send out, or yes, your children, so you do get more work done. But which is better? That I think is a question that each and every one of us has to decide for ourselves, and for some of us, we don't get a choice.

Summer Vacation

I wish I had pictures of our wonderful summer that is passing us by, but I don't. Maybe because we haven't gone anywhere or done anything. All I have done this summer is work at this desk trying to get out invoicing, statements, proposals and balancing checkbooks with money we don't have. Wondering where we are going to get the money to pay the mortgage or property taxes or even just food. Don't let anyone tell us that this is a recession. It is a depression, just like the one in the 20's. People are losing their jobs, their houses, their money. Look around, what do you see? I see houses all over for sale. How many are for sale because of foreclosure or because someone has lost their job and can't afford their house anymore and are trying to sell it before it goes into foreclosure?

I am trying to see the bright side of all of this. I think one good thing is that people, including our family, are learning to be more resourceful, are recycling more, re-purposing more and just trying to be more careful in what they are spending and on what they are spending it for.

I wish I did have a picture of our garden. This is the first year it grew so large. I was so excited about how large the tomato plants grew. It looked beautiful until it go so large that it made the tomato stakes fall over and I wasn't able to pick them back up. Maybe it was what I put into the soil. I didn't put any pesticides, I think the only thing I did at first was put in some liquid vitamin B. Then to keep the tomates from wilting, I put some corn meal and also some baking soda in the soil and I sprayed everything with powdered milk. I also let our chickens in the garden until they started eating the tomatoes, cucumbers and squash. Then I had to banish them.

So maybe our summer is going better than I think. I have an abundance of tomatoes, squash and of course farm fresh free range chicken eggs. To bad my kids don't eat tomatoes and squash.

Food for Thought

I heard a man talk today about marriage and divorce. It was so true. He said that today people jump into bed before finding out if they are compatible. Meaning what is their common thread. Are they the same religion, do they have the same family values, was their upbringing similar, do they want the same things out of life? He stated that jumping into bed should not be the first thing a couple does to find out if they are compatible, in fact, it should be the last thing. Get to know that person, find out what he or she was like as a child, what their likes and dislikes are, and see if you have fun together. Not all people who have the same religion are going to magically get along, or not all people who have the same family values will get along, but that is the beauty of it all. Get to know that person. Remember in the old days when they talked about courting? Try it, it works.

Realizations

Life is fragile. We don't think so, but it can be gone in a second without any warning and then the rest of the world is left to pick up the pieces and carry on. We all know that there is a beginning and an end; we know when the beginning starts, but we don't know when the end comes. We just pray that we are prepared for it.

I have been to more funerals than most people and partly it is because I have such a large extended family. What I have noticed is that the older I get and the people who pass on are closer to me, it affects me more deeply. It is as if I am finally realizing my own immortality. I mourn for my family, but also a little for me. I don't want to be alone.

Don't even breath without asking me!

That's what my son told his sister after I left them alone for awhile. When my daughter told me that I almost burst out laughing, but I held it in for fear of hurting her feelings. Why is it that the older sibling always gets that tone of superiority when the parents are gone? It's because they know they are in charge and the younger ones have to listen to them. I'm not so sure that I wouldn't have done the same thing. I never did, but that was because I wasn't the oldest sibling. My older sisters stayed home with us. So I had to listen to them tell me what to do while my parents were gone. As a matter of fact, maybe that is why my parents were hardly ever away from us.

June 9, 2011

Today my To-Do list is short. In about 45 minutes I will have to go pick up my children from school. It is getting closer to the end of the school year for them and they are ready. I'm not sure I am. I mean, yes, I won't have to get up as early any more to make lunches and breakfast. But then they will be home all day, asking "What's for lunch? What's for dinner? What kind of snack can I have?" Or they will be inside the pantry all day eating. The other part of the day they will want to be on the gaming system or the computer to play. And they will wear me down. By the end of the second week of school being out they will have worn me down and out.

There is something about your kids being around you 24 hours a day. When they are just babies, you want them around all the time, but when they get to be teenagers and pre-teenagers, as much as they need to be supervised and kept an eye on, you don't want them around 24 hours a day. You need a break. Either there is to much talking or to much sulliness. Take your pick. And they want to be entertained. All the time. And all I want them to do is to go outside and commune with nature. There is nothing like digging in the sand and dirt and weeds to feel alive. Maybe I'll buy them shovels and rakes and tell them that is their entertainment for the summer.